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Feelings are scary emotions.
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Sometimes I don't know what to think, how should I express myself? How should I speak in a way that people won't get bored of me? That's not really being myself isn't it... I worry and think about many things but who should I tell them to? I have so many questions unanswered and feelings bottled up.
School is getting a little hectic thanks to projects and tests coming up. Social circles have started forming and I'm like a jellyfish drifting aimlessly. I have no idea where to go, who to hang out with. I'm quite lost. No close friends and I don't feel like going out much. Pool! Pool! I want!
Anyway, I'm having an existential crisis at the present moment! And guess what! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I LIKE ANYMORE. ): What are my hobbies? Interests? UKELELE?! D: Nou. I don't know anymore. I'm so aimless right now. I need to find purpose, meaning even! I don't know! ): I must definitely try to figure something out... Y'know how the most successful people in life usually took the risk and went on the path that no one thought they would succeed on? I'm not on that path. Because... Because it feels safer to be on the 'safe' path.
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| Life under the sea. |
I sorta want a fairytale yet I don't. It's so magical and lovely that it's almost impossible to forget about it. Much less disturb the honor of it. ):
Though I almost always ask people to be happy, optimistic, proud of themselves and confident... My self-esteem is sometimes low. I constantly wonder if I'm good enough a person to some people... I don't know. Maybe I'm not all smiles and joy all the time. Maybe sometimes I want people to listen to me too. Maybe sometimes I want to let it all out to somebody and they would just hug me and listen to me and nod and tell me that everything is okay, everything is going to be fine with them by my side and help me solve my problems. Maybe I'm tired of being the nice person all the time. Saying sorry, being obliging... Being nice. To people who don't give a damn. To the stupid people who always take advantage of your nice-ness and everybody and thing around them because that's how they roll and we be hatin' them. Pfft.
.
.
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Some people take things that they have for fucking granted.
Society is never nice. Never. We humans are far too "intelligent" for our own good seriously.
To begin afresh again and again almost everyday? Maybe... I would like that to happen. Then I'll be the one taking things for granted. Sigh. A big circle that repeats and repeats itself.
Do you believe in karma? I do. I believe what goes around comes and around and we are bound by destiny to have these things happen to us.
please don't get angry at me. please don't be bored around me. please don't give me an attitude... I'm sorry if I ever did anything to anger you.
Karma is creepy and it comes right back at-cha with no warning. Just be nice to people unless they're asking for it. Don't be a bitch. Just. I don't know... If everybody become good people, the world would be a better place.
I don't like some people. They annoy me. They make me so angry and frustrated that others can't see who they are for who they really are. I'm not much of a speaker anymore but that's okay... In due time, they will know and figure it out and say... "Oh wow."
RANTRANTRANT.
What is my existence for? Why am I here?
Friends... It is hard to manage so many of them. Do I have that many anyway? Who are the ones that count and who will be with me...? ): I don't know sometimes. I'm confused and emotionally screwed up these days. Sigh. Perhaps that's the reason why I don't know what I want in life again.
I guess I need career guidance. Maybe... Help and support from people that count. That matter most. ):
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| But really. I don't know anymore. |
Feels as if that person went a really long way and here I am still standing and staring. Feels far away. There's that ache but it's okay. Sometimes it contradicts. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes people come and go but it's alright. Maybe it could be time to let go.
Busy busy as always. And once again the social circles are entirely different. I blame myself at times then I realize... Maybe. Just maybe.
BRIEFLY.
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Should this end?
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I don't want to be the one that always waits for that reply.
Hands edging on the phone.
Always.
Maybe it's just PMS but I feel pretty darn frustrated now. It's unfair.
the bearcub sighs and turns its back towards you.
